my mother didn 't protect me from abuse
(He is a drug addict, she manages his pills) I still feel bad for her because she is still with him, makes him waffles every morning, keeps him out of rehab, and constantly takes his complaining/yelling. A hug would have been a good start. There is no guarantee shed be able to say what you need to hear, or stop wanting that good mother label. She has a new boyfriend who treats her well and we get to live with them. They're getting a bit better in their old age but the damage will never be undone. Theres nothing passive about standing by and watching your husband abuse your children. Fast-forward to present day. Does she have a mental imbalance or is she just a bully? You made me take all the blame, the shame. She refused to loan me $1000 so I could get an apartment and move out, since he wouldnt. I wanted you to make me feel better. 28.9K Likes, 156 Comments. Cheaters cheat liars lie and people who are like this do this too. I dont want to talk about the weather or my cousins wedding. Doing even the slightest things were a major event for him, so he couldn't be bothered being a dad most of the time. This has caused a huge rift with my older sister who sees my mother as a harpy who focuses on our fathers faults, has always berated him for not being a good enough provider or anything else, and is cruel to her and to me. The term flying monkeys comes from the movie. I want you to acknowledge all the pain that this continues to cause me, but I dont think you have the strength. I remember it clearly as bath time; feeling dirty, confused and guilty. I am sorry that I caused so much pain. And then how it would be for you if she never again mentioned it, unless you brought up the subject? I saw her for who she was and that scared her and she hated me for that, I didnt cater for needs and please her like my other siblings did. Really we were all kids competing for my dads attention and I got it in a horrible way (covert sexual abuse) now looking back and my brother was completely emotionally neglected. Whether you. Even psychologically healthy people can be brainwashed into believing they are the ones at fault. Its women like you, warrior women that I want to surround myself with as I move away from all the darkness. 5 Spiritual Practices That Increase Well-Being. This didn't happen to me, but to my mother. Maybe showing her your email to me and even the reply might help her choose between insisting she was a good mother or owning what the effect of her decisions have had on you. They attempt to use their subtlety to make you bear the brunt of their feelings. I still have trouble trusting people and feeling safe.. Thank you my holiday was filled with exquisite beauty and pain for course!! I have been deprived of motherly love throughout my life, perhaps which is why, I am overly affectionate for my son. I love my mother dearly. We had a new house, a new life, so things should be okay now. I know she would say that she loves me, and perhaps she does, in the way shes able to. by going to a therapist or by doing some work on your own, its important to cultivate compassion for yourself and for your father. The narcissists flying monkeys are often family members, sometimes even children, who do the same thing. Instead she went to Florida and kept saying how happy she was! I know my mother knew about the sexual abuse that my father, her husband was subjecting me to. Mind you, my two brothers were scared of him too, but they dealt with it by being the boys he wanted them to be. A person with this kind of motivation structure is known as a malignant narcissist. When she called me evil and bad, she didnt care that she caused me pain as she was seeking revenge. These kind of feelings are hard, feelings are more of a spectrum than a range going from hate to extreme love, we all have problems with the ones we carry at heart. I can't speak for my siblings, but I'm still very affected. Your thoughts?. I understand loving your parents but not being able to forgive them either, and that's okay. You dont know me well at all, nor do you want to get to know me. Another sign that your mother is emotionally abusive is if she gives you the silent treatment. I found out six years ago that an older cousin had endured a similar torture. My own father died when I was 15, and I too have wrestled with what he thought of my mothers treatment of me and why he did little to defend me. . Fuck us kids, right? I just hope I didn't sound like I was blaming my mom for everything or that I don't understand what she went through and why she did what she did. Recovering from the narcissistic abuse you suffered at the hands of your mother also means coming to terms with your enabling fathers inaction. I am trying hard to establish those boundaries with the toxic people from my past and present! She wanted to come over and stay with me and I said it wasnt a good time for me. Still, its important for you to come to terms with that and forgive him. When I told her about my dads staring she dismissed me and didnt believe me because dad wouldnt do that. But then one time she caught him and asked him what he was staring at. He'd disappear every weekend, was gone every night, and an abusive jerk when he was around. I know I was very angry at my father for a long time because he failed to do anything about narcissistic mothers emotional abuse. She needed someone to parent, nurture and love her unconditionally first because she never got that. Wow you're seriously typing all this in this sub? This can be especially difficult if you have lived like this for years. An empty chair was a better father than him. I am shocked at your response. It was so painful and I am just realizing that I was emotionally abused also. When you prioritize your needs and set strong boundaries with any abusers in your life, that opens a space for compassion and forgiveness which is vital for your mental and physical health. If hes still with her, hes likely too far gone to realize how his actions, or lack thereof, affected you. I wish I could take it out of your life. Why not? How Do You Know If Your Mother Is Emotionally Abusive? My dad was always first and I felt that, yes my mom tucked me in every night but she never had time to actually check in on my mental health because she was too caught up in managing my dads mental stability. I took a glass to 77 views, 0 likes, 0 loves, 0 comments, 1 shares, Facebook Watch Videos from Zion Baptist Church: Youth Sunday Imagine the shame on the family. if(typeof ez_ad_units != 'undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[300,250],'innertoxicrelief_com-large-leaderboard-2','ezslot_2',106,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-innertoxicrelief_com-large-leaderboard-2-0'); Its also possible that if your father ever threatened to leave her, she would have threatened to take the children away from him and drain all of his finances. And how that ties into this? As I was going up the stair . That has caused them to buy into your narcissistic mothers delusions, and as a result, they have decided to disregard their own needs and yours to protect her. Do what you need to do to keep yourself healthy and sane. She thinks making Mom a victim is sick stuff on my part. PROTECT YOUR CHILDREN AT ALL COSTS. Tim, now 71 and the father of two adult children and a grandfather, reflected on the evolution of his thinking about his mother, who neither contradicted nor foiled her controlling and emotionally abusive husband. I cannot see any choice other than to cut communication with Mum to manage the distress her behaviour causes and I am in the process of seeking counselling. This was not justice. You've been given a temporary ban. Then, as a teenager, it finally hit me. The mother did not have much remorse, empathy and was quick to generate excuses in order to protect her image. Untangling each of our parents' roles in our developmentreally seeing both their positive and negative influencesis the first step we take toward healing. Why are you getting this message? Your email address will not be published. No, the family name needed to be protected. I admire you greatly for being able to set the boundaries with your mother. A constantly angry dad and an emotionally unavailable mum (who did little to shield us from his toxicity) makes for a pretty miserable upbringing. Its really about his own psychological damage. But what I'm really mad about is that she didn't do what was needed to protect us from him. She had always seen her father as the villain of the piece, but she began to see that what she considered her mothers passivity was much more than that. You sentenced me to a life of feeling bad. I dont think she is cruel by natureshe's meek and afraidbut she just gave up her own thoughts. Your narcissistic mother actually encouraged trauma bonding by alternating her own patterns of abuse and special treatment. I would love for you to listen to Dr Clarissa Pinkola Estes warming the stone child which is about women like us. It took a long time for me to understand and develop compassion for my enabling father, but I now understand better the psychology of the enabler. Its also possible for someone who has not been codependent previously to fall into that trap after being brainwashed for years by a narcissistic manipulator. Significant others and friends are all welcome. Wow! She was a victim too and was scared of him. You cant trust people with no empathy because they have no conscience. I think I didn't word my post too well. Please report inappropriate content so it can be reviewed by the mods. Imagine how your mom feels? Are you kidding me? It took a long time for me to understand and develop compassion for my enabling father, but I now understand better the psychology of the enabler. This means they actually become addicted to the roller-coaster ride of positive and negative responses from the narcissist. Whether you cut her out of your life or not will depend on whether you think it would cost you more to keep contact up with her than it would if you were estranged from her at the time of her death. And that's ok. If you award her that good mother label what happens to your experience? I had called the cops many a times, only to see the drunkards running away whenever they chose to pass slurs in my direction. You have never stood up for me. The next thing to do is to respect your own needs and prioritize them. That was as damaging in the end as my mothers sniping.. Are Zoomies a Sign of a Happy Dog or a Crazy Dog? Why Is It So Hard To Live With An Abusive Mother? You understand why you feel the way you do, at least, which I think is good. I guess I just feel used and wish I knew what was really happening. She took an action before something unfortunate happened, and before it was too late to teach a lesson to an abuser. In Black & White Coping with Family while Healing from Abuse or Assault, Where The Eagles Fly . Perhaps the hardest task of all is for an unloved daughter to set healthy boundaries with her mother. But I cant change the past. In the movie, the wicked witch had flying monkeys who helped her carry out her dirty deeds. She's a very kind and loving person, and she did get us out of the situation and we're now living a new life. Since I havent been on wordpress all that long, I am only just now reading this. Not really because it was triggering, ughh, maybe it was. These blog posts will help you understand narcissism better and give you tips for dealing with the narcissists in your life. VerticalScope Inc., 111 Peter Street, Suite 600, Toronto, Ontario, M5V 2H1, Canada. Children don't have the power or authority to set boundaries . Every man who put a hand on my body received a tight slap there and then. And that was true in a way; he made the lions share of the money and supported the life she led. Im glad your mom comforted you, I really wish my mom did that. He was a child himself. It actually isnt. How are Flying Monkeys Different from Enablers? She should have done better. I relate to so very much of this! You hate her bringing up the subject of your abuse, but I wonder what it would mean to you, to hear your mother say something like: I made terrible mistakes when you were a child. In the few years before he died, I had begun to push back, and he aligned himself with her on almost every issue. Check out our Helpful Links for information on how to deal with identify theft, how to get independent of your n-parents, how to apply for FAFSA, how to identify n-parents and SO MUCH MORE! Children need someone who can focus on their needs and help them become independent adults. There are a number of reasons an enabler continues to allow a narcissistic mother to abuse her children even when they realize the damage she is doing. She refused to help me clean and get me groceries when I asked. Jeannies mom reminds me exactly of my mom. It was only when I got into therapy that I started realizing my mothers role wasnt really passive. Have you talked to your mom about how you feel? I dont know what to do. Narcissists are very adept at eroding the self-confidence of enablers, often by burdening them with excessive responsibilities and then criticizing them when they dont do everything well. if(typeof ez_ad_units != 'undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[320,50],'innertoxicrelief_com-box-2','ezslot_5',119,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-innertoxicrelief_com-box-2-0');if(typeof ez_ad_units != 'undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[320,50],'innertoxicrelief_com-box-2','ezslot_6',119,'0','1'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-innertoxicrelief_com-box-2-0_1'); .box-2-multi-119{border:none !important;display:block !important;float:none !important;line-height:0px;margin-bottom:7px !important;margin-left:auto !important;margin-right:auto !important;margin-top:7px !important;max-width:100% !important;min-height:50px;padding:0;text-align:center !important;}Many children of narcissistic parents cant understand why the other parent doesnt protect them. I cried and believed you would rescue me. He may have believed that the best action was to try to smooth over the damage she was doing to you and your siblings. I closed the door on my mother last March. Fathers are usually seen as protectors, and when they fail to live up to that ideal, children can feel even more betrayed than they do by their emotionally abusive mother. Please share your stories, your questions, your histories, your fears and your triumphs. Hed appear to acknowledge that I was being hurt but then hed tell me to placate her or apologize. Every excuse I made for him was in my mom's voice. I acknowledge the ache of being unmothered but I am learning to grow my own internal mother. It was the most freeing thing I have ever done. But she acted like we were a normal, happy family. Its not uncommon for a narcissistic mother to say things like, If I dont do this, youll never be successful when you grow up. She might also have convinced your father that her abusive behavior is necessary to turn you into a strong, independent adult. As any child in a loving family would, I confided in you. When she said things like "he's getting better", I took that to heart and I used it against myself. Enabling fathers often become enablers as a result of their codependency caused by a dysfunctional family dynamic in their own childhood. Press question mark to learn the rest of the keyboard shortcuts, Please refrain from posting "uplifting" threads. *We may earn a commission for purchases made using our links. You want your own version of me. . I'm mad that my kids never met Grandma. So, I want to start by saying that I love my mom. My feelings matter, I am hurting and I will speak up. Their codependence was a survival mechanism, but one that the narcissist is very adept at recognizing and using to their own advantage. You have a very compelling way of writing. 2. My house isnt good enough. It was always about getting her needs met. Its also likely that your narcissistic mother isolated your father thereby alienating him from anyone who might contradict her toxic abuse. I spent my entire childhood imagining how my mom feels and trying to pick up the pieces of her life for her. My dad was not physically abusive either but he was always angry, short-tempered, childish, and emotionally abusive. Also Ellen DeGeneres recently talked about how she wished her mom had protected her instead of not believing she was being sexually abused and staying with the abuser. Your emotions are valid, and you're entitled to have negative feelings towards someone you love while still loving them. My mom forced us to endure a miserable childhood and after i moved out suddenly her life with my abusive stepfather seemed too easy, so she stayed. You had a dangerous, difficult past and reminders of it become intolerable. The mum-of-two admits she was "obsessed" - but now loves her body as it is, and says "if I want pizza I'll have some". She thinks his put-downs are a way of keeping us from getting too full of ourselves, his criticisms a way of motivating us, his authoritarian style the mark of a man who knows his mind. Reddit and its partners use cookies and similar technologies to provide you with a better experience. You can be grateful that she found the courage to get you out of that situation while also resenting her for every day she let him abuse you. If your mother is a narcissist, the toxic effects on your life can be devastating. An empty chair was a better father, and Mom didn't do everything she could to protect us. And it gave a dent on my mind. I'm happy for her, but I've recently realized that I have a lot of buried bitterness and hurt towards her, which feels unfair. At first my step-dad was just a jerk, now it's becoming abusive. Press J to jump to the feed. The cycle of abuse creates a trauma bond, so the enabler parent is conditioned to please the narcissist to avoid another altercation. Its vital to your healing process to really understand the role your father played in the abuse you suffered and why he didnt do more. Your feelings are natural under these sad circumstances, OP. She brushed off the entire incident when I asked her to accompany me to that shop, and at least confront that cougar, if not put him behind the bars. 350z auto for sale near jerusalem captain roop singh stadium is situated at my mother didn 't protect me from abuse May 10, 2022 I can imagine it might feel agonising for your mother to admit that her actions had bad consequences that you still live with.
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my mother didn 't protect me from abuse